Fear of Planning

As you may remember, I mentioned in a previous post that I would tell my story of why I feared to plan things in life. I wanted to talk about that fear in last week’s post, but I was unable to do my story justice, as my thoughts were not very organized. I believe as you start to read you will understand why this story was hard to write.

It was the fall of 2004 and we had just buried my mother-in-law and my mom was sitting me down to inform me she had cancer. As I don’t remember the exact date, the day is as clear as if it were yesterday. I was living in a duplex and she had come through the front door into our living room where we sat on the couch and she proceeded to tell me she had cancer and the plan of attack. She was positive and I think back now wondering what that day was like for her to tell me she had cancer as I was her “baby girl.”

As she left and I shut the door I remember the tears falling as I fell to the ground saying, “God if you take my mom I will hate you forever.” My mom was a special woman to me and to so many. She was an amazing NaNa to my girls and they were her “babies.” My oldest was her Angle Face and my youngest was her little Princess. She had so much pride in her family and an unbelievable love for God. Everyone who met her admired her faith throughout her battle.

Her battle lasted two years consisting of three surgeries followed by radiation and chemo. Nothing seemed to be working and in the end, she was taking chemo only to make her more comfortable. We were told by doctors that at any given moment the cancer would eat at her carotid artery and essentially leave her to bleed out.

Things took a turn for the worse the fall of 2005 as she was starting to have what I call bleeding episodes. From that moment until she passed, January 9, 2006, we never knew if it would be “that episode” to take her from us all. I had to sit my children down and explain to them that we never knew when NaNa might pass away, but we would cherish every moment with her while we could.

It became a pattern every evening to go over and help change the bandages, feed her through the feeding tube and get all the medications laid out for the next day. During this time, I put everything on hold. I never planned to go anywhere unless I could get to her within 15-20 minutes. I feared she would pass and I wouldn’t be there to hold her hand.

There was even a time we were to go camping about an hour away and I was scared to leave. My grandma explained to me that I needed to take some time for my family and myself. The whole weekend I tried to put a smile on my face for my family and have a good time, but inside I was a mess.

(left to right: my youngest daughter, my mom, my oldest daughter, my grandma and myself)

The month of December, I would go over to do the daily evening things and then return home to shower. I am not an evening shower person, but I wanted to be showered and dressed (and by dressed I mean I went to bed in everyday clothes) in case we got a call that she was being transported to ER.

The last six months of her illness, I lived in the moment and never looked to the future. There wasn’t a future in my eyes because at any given moment it could all be gone. I felt life was to be lived in the moment. I couldn’t plan back then because of all the unknowns. Once she passed away, I still couldn’t plan because I feared that tomorrow wouldn’t happen.

My mom, my rock, my best friend was gone. After the funeral, I remember sitting on the couch looking at the time saying I should be at her house now. I no longer knew what to do and I felt empty. I feared the future and therefore I stopped planning things.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Wishing everyone a great week!

How I Avoid Panicking When Planning Vacation

Last week’s blog I talked about my first cruising experience and the panic and fear I had when planning our trip. We are just finishing up getting ready to go on my sixth cruise and my husband’s seventh cruise and I couldn’t be more excited. The fear and panic I once had about planning no longer lives inside of me.

I have learned how to have a voice and say what ports I like and what excursions sound fun. This trip we are headed to Cozumel, Jamaica and Grand Cayman. We are looking forward to Jamaica and Grand Cayman as we haven’t been to either of those ports. Even seeing new ports doesn’t set off a panic of the unknowing. This is a new step for me because new territory has always been outside of my comfort. However, having my husband beside me is a huge comfort as well.

I was telling my husband the other day how proud I get at times when I look back at how things were compared to now. I have become more confident in planning. I know there is room to improve, but I continue to grow and learn. Here are some steps I have taken to help keep the panic/anxiety from taking over when planning trips:

• List all options with pros and cons
• Make a packing list
• Make a to do list (things that need done before leaving home)
• Read reviews
• Organize the trip (I use a binder to keep track of everything for the trip)
• Take a step back if panic/anxiety starts to surface

I have found through planning this trip I am willing to try a few new things. For example, we have always eaten at the late dining option, but thought we might try anytime dining. We also didn’t book an excursion at each port as we thought we would just get off the ship and enjoy what is around us. We learned, from researching, Jamaica is a location you don’t want to get off and roam so we booked an excursion. The other ports we plan to shop and enjoy each other’s company and being away from the everyday of life.

It is my hope for others who suffer from panic/anxiety when planning to know they are not alone and there are things to try to relieve the fear. It took me wanting to change and find ways to learn to cope and I am so thankful I have found ways. I’ll post a blog about our adventures in a few weeks.

“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

Wishing everyone a great week!

 

My First Cruising Experience

One of things on my bucket list was to take a cruise. I always thought it would be neat, as I love the water and seeing new things. I finally had my first chance to cruise in November 2011 on the Carnival Magic. In fact, it was the inaugural sailing in the U.S.

Looking back on the experience there were many moments where my panic attacks got the better of me. My boyfriend, now my husband, wanted to take me on a cruise so we looked at several options and I have to be honest it was very overwhelming. Back then, I didn’t do a lot of planning as I lived each day and faced oncomings as they came.

Cruising requires lots of planning and decisions…yes I had to make decisions. I had to voice my opinion. That was uncomfortable for me. I just wanted to say whatever you think sounds good to me. Actually, I did try those words and had very little success. Looking back, he was right this was a vacation for both of us. I needed to be engaged and step out of my comfort zone offering my own opinions.

One part of my counseling was learning to have a voice. This was a great opportunity, but I was panicking. I was panicked by all the decisions/planning. What if I choose the wrong thing and we don’t like it? What if he wanted to do something else than what I suggested. Seriously…breathe…stop over thinking. That is what I had to learn.

Finally, we picked our itinerary (ports of call), booked the airline and hotel. Excitement was starting to overcome the fear. I became so organized that I had a binder with all of our flight information, cruise items, hotel, taxi, etc. You name it I had it organized all in my little binder.

My first cruise is an experience I will never forget.  I was excited, nervous, and overcame a panic attack. Because it was the inaugural sailing Carnival had special activities one being a performance by Maroon 5. The concert stage was in front of the cruise ship…WOW was it a BIG ship and I was going to be on that BIG ship for a whole week.

The morning of the sailing, we arrived to check in and the panic once again showed its ugliness. Timothy was super excited and hurrying, without realizing I had fallen behind, as we went up and around to check in. I was so overwhelmed by the process and scared to board such a big ship that panic set in and the tears started to weld and then trickled down my cheeks. I was embarrassed when he realized within seconds I was no longer directly behind him and in tears. I was then frustrated I couldn’t handle something as simple as checking in for a cruise. I should have been emotionally filled with excitement as I was finally crossing something off my bucket list.

I have the most compassionate man in my life as he wiped my tears and made sure I got over my panic and stuck extremely close to me. It ended up being an amazing week and I love cruising as I have been on five. Panic isn’t such an issue any more when planning or boarding the BIG ship.

Through my first cruising experience, I learned a little more of how to voice my opinion as it does matter and still holds true to this day. I also learned I can’t always handle my emotions by myself and I need to let Timothy know what I’m feeling. He is a kind and understanding man who has learned quickly how to help me. Finally, I learned it’s okay to plan for future things (story of my fear of planning to come later).

“Fear cannot be banished, but it can be calm and without panic; it can be mitigated by reason and evaluation.” ~Vannevar Bush

Wishing everyone a wonderful week!

Pumpkin Anxiety

Who would think carving a little ole pumpkin could bring on anxiety. I have written about the need for perfection and that I have learned I don’t always need to be perfect, however, it doesn’t mean that I’m cured 100 percent as this weekend showed otherwise.

My husband, my daughter and her boyfriend and I decided to carve pumpkins on Sunday afternoon. Simple right? One would think so anyways. The kit was different than last year, which change is not always handled well by me at first and panic was starting to settle in a little. Last year was the first time I had ever carved a pumpkin by myself and I was so proud of carving more than just triangles, but used a pattern from one of the kits you buy in the store.

This year’s kit involved wetting the pattern, placing it on the pumpkin, and covering it in plastic wrap to hold the pattern in place. Why must they change how you place the pattern on the pumpkin? Why can’t it be just like last year’s as I was successful in carving? Sigh….anxiety is setting in…the tears are welding…pull yourself together.

My husband was wonderful (as always) saying, “You can do this. Here are your instructions, use this cutting knife and start here.” I begin to cut through the plastic wrap following the pattern and the paper starts to tear. Instant panic. The tears come and I say I ruined my pumpkin because the paper tore and I don’t know where to keep cutting. My husband immediately says, “It’s not ruined. I’ll look at it and we’ll fix it.” Thank goodness that catastrophe part was over and now onto the next section. Deep breathe and thoughts of you can do this, just go slow.

Afterwards, we were discussing my anxiety over carving a pumpkin. My husband questions why I am always telling my girls you don’t have to be perfect, but the same doesn’t apply to me. Good question…why do I expect perfection even though I know and have learned in counseling no one is perfect and I don’t have to be perfect.

Even when you feel you have it all together and you use all your coping skills anxiety can still sweep over you. It doesn’t make one a failure. It doesn’t mean one is weak. It doesn’t mean something is terribly wrong. It just means at a particular moment you were overcome with fear. In those moments for me is when I need to remember to close my eyes, take a deep breath and say you got this.

I will probably always have moments of panic, but it’s a matter of controlling it and not allowing it to control me. It’s remembering not everything I do has to be perfect, but do my best and if I mess up it’s okay.

Here is a picture of the final result of the pumpkin. As it’s not 100 percent perfect as I had hoped; it looks good and I completed the carving myself.

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.” ~Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Have a great week!

Self-Inflection

Recently I looked back on some old dairies from junior high and senior high school. I chuckled thinking if I only had known then what I know now. However, some of the reminiscing brought tears of sadness. At an early age, I felt I couldn’t live up to perfection. There were thoughts of everyone would be better off if I was not around anymore because I was such a disappointment.

We lived on a little over five acres and I remember when I was sad I would take a walk out in the woods by myself. I didn’t want anyone to hear my tears and I would try to find the courage to slit my wrists. I would just stare at them realizing I wasn’t brave enough to go through with the action. Instead, I would make a fist with my hands and hit the top of my head repeatedly saying, you are stupid, dumb, and you can’t do anything right; you’re a disappointment.

After learning why teens of today cut, I realize I was no different in my method because it was a way to release the pain I was feeling.

• 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males engage in self injury (according to Healthy Place)
• 90 percent of people who engage in self harm begin during their teen or pre-adolescent years (according to Healthy Place)

It’s interesting to learn these facts because I can think back to when I would self-inflict. According to Healthy Place, it used to be if you caused harm to yourself, it meant you had a personality disorder. Now, as we study more, we are finding that an eating disorder, depression, substance abuse, etc., can bring on self-infliction. It boggles my mind when I think back through all the years of my life thus far so much of it was due to depression and no one really knew or understood.

Part of my depression was trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter, the perfect niece, the perfect cousin and the perfect friend. Later in life, when I married my first husband, I tried to be the perfect Army wife and then the perfect mother after I had my children. I wanted everyone to be proud and sometimes the harder I tried the more I failed (at least in my mind). I had to learn through counseling how to cope with disappointments and that I didn’t need to be perfect. I needed to love, believe and be proud of myself first. Once I learned those things, everything began to fall into place. I no longer have the need to self-inflict to take the pain away from falling short of perfection and being a disappointment.

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch, but on her own wings. Believe in yourself.” ~Author Unknown

Wishing everyone a great week!

My AFSP, Out of Darkness Walk, Experience

As you know from my last post, I was participating in the Out of Darkness Walk in North Canton on Sunday, October 5th. The walk was a fundraiser for the American Foundation Suicide Prevention (AFSP). I was feeling a little anxious as I was unsure what to expect. My husband and I arrived and were greeted by several volunteers throughout with friendly smiles, which took a little of the anxiety away.

We walked up to check in and they gave us blue beads for participating in the walk and then said there was a table where you could select more beads representing your personal connection to the cause. Fear swept over as I took the green beads, which meant you have a personal experience with depression. Those thoughts of “Will I be questioned, judged or felt sorry for came to the forefront.” I took a deep breath and reminded myself this is why I’m here; this is my stepping-stone to potentially sharing my story of depression and a suicide attempt.

Soon after we checked in more comfort came, as my husband was standing right beside me along with family and friends. Everyone with me that day had felt either a loss, dealt with depression or has been a support system for someone. My complete sense of comfort quickly left as a reporter came up and was talking to a family member who in return said I was the person with whom they needed to speak. An overwhelming flood of emotions instantly appeared…here was the moment I had been hoping to have for so long. It was time to say why I was here and for others to see that counseling and learning coping skills can work.

Promptly at 2 p.m. the co-chairs, who had lost their husband/father, gave opening remarks followed by the North Canton city mayor and an AFSP representative.

As I listened to the remarks, I still questioned why we don’t acknowledge those who are currently dealing with depression and/or have attempted suicide. Tears started to come as I felt overlooked; we are still missing an important group of people. However, I am beyond grateful for the support, which exists for those who are suicide survivors. Those individuals/families/friends need to know they are not alone in their grieving.

Following the remarks was a balloon release and then the walk started. It was such an emotional, moving and great event. I am looking forward to participating again next year.

“Encourage yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself. Never doubt who you are.” ~ Stephanie Lahart, Overcoming Life’s Obstacles: Enlighten-Encourage-Empower

Click here to read the follow-up article by the Canton Repository.

 

Outside My Comfort Zone

My mind is flooding with thoughts about an upcoming event, which I will be participating in this coming Sunday. The event, Out of Darkness Walk, is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s (AFSP) signature fundraising campaign. The event brings awareness along with remembering those who have lost the battle and for the ones who struggle.

I have felt a huge desire in the past year to start sharing my story of my suicide attempt, but have struggled trying to figure how and where to start. The Out of Darkness Walk is a stepping-stone for me. This event is definitely out of my comfort zone, but I am determined to succeed and share.

When I hear of someone I know lose his or her life to depression I deal with an overwhelming amount of emotions and questions. I start to question why I was “saved” and they weren’t. Why couldn’t they receive the necessary help to discover hope and life as I did?

It is very hard for me to watch those left behind struggling to find answers for why their loved one wanted to depart. I often hear “but they had a family, how could they take their own life.” It’s hard to hear words such as these because I too had a family. I had two beautiful daughters at the time I tried to take my own life. I honestly believe that unless you have struggled with severe depression it’s hard to imagine what goes through one’s mind.

The walk is out of my comfort zone because I am putting myself out there for others to judge or feel sorry for me. I am taking a risk by starting to share my story of depression and attempted suicide and that is a little scary. I keep reminding myself the purpose of telling my story is to give others hope, comfort, understanding, and the feeling of not being alone. I need to remember those who lash out are hurting and trying to understand the why.

I am so thankful to have family and friends join me on the walk as it gives me a sense of security for my first time out. I am looking forward to future opportunities that take me outside of my comfort zone.

“As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.” ~ Robin S. Sharma

If you are interested in walking, please feel free to join us (Team CS) or if you would like to make a small contribution to the AFSP’s Out of Darkness Walk here is my personal link: Candy Collins

Wishing everyone a wonderful week.

Ds are for Dummies

Growing up in my home was not always the sound of laughter and the sense of security a child should experience, but the sound of tears and uncertainty of what would happen next. I don’t remember many things of my childhood, but what I do remember isn’t always a pleasant experience to reflect. My father was both physically and mentally abusive to my mom and mentally abusive to me as his words stung and carried with me for years.

I was an okay student throughout school as things did not come easy and I had to work hard to get the grades I did receive. I am sure I could have studied a little more and not allow the frustration or wandering mind to happen as often as it occurred. In high school, my worst subject was math, and I can remember being grounded twice for having a D on my report card. At the time, I wanted to attend Ohio State University and become a veterinarian. My dad would say I could never get into college because Ds were for dummies. When I attended Kent State for Public Relations, in my upper 20s, those words would run through my mind and I pushed hard to get nothing lower than a B, which was a struggle at times (such as College Algebra). Now I am attending Stark State College for an Associate’s Degree and anything below an A isn’t acceptable to myself. Now it is proving what I am capable of doing with a little hard work and studying. However, I do have to admit that at times I think if you could only see me now Dad.

Words stick with a person, as they did me for the majority of my life. As I don’t feel his comments affect me as much today, I know his voice is still there deep in my mind. I am thankful counseling taught me coping skills, but I still work to keep words from hurting.

Wishing everyone a great week!

“Emotional abuse is the leading reason of suicide victims.”–statistic

Welcome to Journey Into Happiness…

I have felt convicted for some time to start a blog about some of my experiences in the hopes that my trials and triumphs along my journey of life could help someone else not feel alone. This is the first post to many of my “Journey Into Happiness” and I welcome all of you along for the ride of emotions, tears, laughs and much more.

To me, our lives are like the road, which can be curvy, bumpy, straight a ways and detours. How we handle each step along the road determines our outcomes for the present, future and writes our personal history of our past. For me personally, I have had many bumps along my journey from an abusive home growing up to finding happiness in everyday life.

It is my intent to take you along my journey of both the good and the bad. I welcome feedback, comments or questions as you read. If there is something specific you would like to talk to about please leave a comment. I also encourage you to read the about me page as it will give you a little insight to me as a person.

Wishing everyone a great week!

“The only journey is the one within.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke