“You know what truly aches? Having so much inside you and not having the slightest clue of how to put it out.” ~ Karen Quan
It’s time for my raw emotions to surface to all of you who are reading my blog. I had titled my blog, “Journey into Happiness” because I was (and still am to an extent) on a path to finding my true happiness within myself. I am constantly learning new things about myself and personal goals I want to achieve. One of my goals for the past several years is to tell my story of mental abuse, disappointment, deaths, affair and most importantly finding who I was as a person.
I knew I was Kathy’s daughter, Shirley and Bob’s granddaughter, a niece to my aunts and uncles, a cousin, a friend, a wife, Ali and Ashlan’s mom, someone who volunteered at nonprofits, church and my girl’s schools. However, I was all those things to so many, but I struggled with my identity. I didn’t realize I struggled with my identity till after my mom’s passing and I was trying to figure out as an only child how I fit into the World.
At my mom’s funeral I had someone give me a hug and tell me I had big shoes to fill. WHAT…I now needed to be my mom? My mom was an amazing woman of strength and faith. Naturally I already wanted to follow in her footsteps, but now it was expected of me (so I thought). I tried so hard for two years to be just like her with her faith and strength and then one day my grandmother passed with my grandfather right behind her. My world as I knew it came crashing down.
I didn’t know till I was sitting in the psychiatric ward trying to recover from a suicide attempt that I was a lost soul. I had no clue where to begin to repair me. I had been in counseling for a few months, but I was surfaced about my feelings and if you look back to a previous article, Finding My Voice, I was also trying to learn about emotions. Sitting in a dark and dingy room I realized if I wanted to get out of what they were calling a severe depression I had to work hard. I had to be honest with myself. Most importantly, I needed to be honest with my counselor so she could give me the tools I needed to heal and find who I was as an individual.
Over the next several weeks and months I will start to tell my story more in depth by reaching down and sharing my raw emotions. This is a very scary step, but if my goal is to help someone out there not feel so alone I need to share the raw and “yucky” parts of my life.
If you are someone at this moment who is struggling please reach out to someone. If you feel you have no one please try using the Suicide Hotline by calling 1-800-273-8255 or talk to someone online (click “online” and it will take you to the link).
If you are facing conversations with someone who is depressed here are a couple of links to help with what to do and say:
Even though it’s scary for me, I am looking forward to sharing with all of you in the coming weeks about my trials and my path to happiness.